How to deal with loss after
death of a loved one
The death of a loved one can be a deeply painful incident
for his family. This is even more true when the death is sudden
and unexpected; caused by suicide or an accident. We are left
to deal with our feelings of loss and grief and we do not quite
know how to cope with them. In the modern, westernized culture
we may find that people around us are just as unskillful and
may not know how to console us and help us to let go.
And grief can be so intense that we wonder how we can
continue to live, how we can continue to function. I read a
story from a book
Wisdom of the East by Susan Suntree. One of the
contributors talks about her experience when her first born son
died in an accident. She said her grief was similar to having a
red hot iron ball in her mouth. She could not spit it out, she
could not swallow it, and this continued for years and
years.
So our first task when we are bereaved is to accept our
grief and not evade it and also to be patient with ourselves as
it may take a long time for the grief and pain to pass. And yet
we must face it, however painful it is. Evading our grief is
not the way out. We must face it. Judy Tatelbaum says :
“Grief is a wound that needs attention in order to heal. To
work through and complete grief means to face our feelings
openly and honestly, to express and release our feelings fully,
and to tolerate and accept our feelings for however long it
takes for the wound to heal. We fear that once acknowledged
grief will bowl us over. The truth is that grief experienced
does dissolve. Grief unexpressed is grief that lasts
indefinitely.”
Certain practices are mentioned in the Tibetan Book on
Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche that will help us to
dissolve our grief. I urge you to pick up a copy for more
detailed help on this subject.
Rinpoche mentions that one of the reason we feel utterly
wretched is that we feel that those is nothing that we can do
to help our departed loved one. This is simply not true. There
are many practices in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition to help
the departed loved one even after his passing. These practices
help dissolve the negative Karma of the deceased and help than
get a favorable rebirth. But it is important that the deceased
should have shared these convictions also. If you belong to a
different faith you can consult a priest or monk for
ceremonies, prayers and rituals that will help the departed
soul. Every faith contains these practices and you will also
feels better that you have tried your best to help the departed
loved one on his final journey.
Grief can linger for years as I said earlier in cases of a
very bad and unexpected loss. It comes and goes in cycles – you
may feel fine in certain times and a few weeks or months later
you may again feel wretched. It is important to be patient with
yourself and accept this as normal. You may find that people do
not have much sympathy for you if your grief is prolonged.
Accept that too as normal. In our culture people know almost
next to nothing about death and dying and this subject is
deliberately brushed under the carpet. You cannot expect others
to have much knowledge or skill to help you out.
In case of sudden death it is important for us to see the
body first hand so that we are completely convinced that he or
she has really died.
The Tibetan Book on Living and Dying mentions many
practices that you can do to help you face, dissolve and let go
of your grief. I will not explain these practices as I have not
tried them out and have nothing to add to what has been written
in the book. The author – Sogyal Rinpoche – says that those
practices are extremely effective in helping you deal with your
grief at the death of a loved one. Please refer chapter 19 of
the book.
On to the next chapter on Gaining poise
and self confidence:
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