Important advice on dealing with
anger constructively
Anger, rage hatred, long term grudges and resentments can
make a hell for us. They poison our relationships, harm our
careers, and give us no peace. We feel the urge to lash out at
the person who has made us angry. Frequently that person
happens to be important for us and our well-being – such as a
boss or our parents and we dare not take it out on them. So we
lash out at others who have done nothing to harm us. In this
way we spread misery and pain in the world.
Some of us have suffered from a bad upbringing and have a
wounded child inside of us as a result. This colors our whole
outlook to life and our relationships. We need to deal with his
pain and reverse this life long habit.
We see the harmful effect of this feeling in our lives and
make a vow to not feel angry again or to suppress the anger.
This only creates more conflicts and divisions within us.
Nothing is gained by trying to not feel angry. It is a part of
us. We would not try to chop our head off it we had a headache.
We would give it all the necessary care and attention to cure
the problem. We need to take a similar attitude towards our
feelings. These are energies within us that need to be
reclaimed and transformed.
The concepts of Impermanence and No-self can also help us to
deal with our anger but only if you have taken up the
meditation practices suggested earlier in this book. If we get
an understanding of impermanence, that this feeling is not our
self, that it is just a feeling that will pass in time, then is
becomes easier to dis-identify with our feelings and witness it
mindfully, neither expressing nor suppressing it. But this
understanding of Impermanence and No-self comes only after a
number of months of practicing either Vipassana or Paul
Brunton’s meditation technique. I urge you to take up either
one of these practices. You cannot make the insights of this
book a part of your life simply by reading it once. You need to
study it, think over the implications and take up mediation
practice, which will make the act of witnessing habitual to
you.
The following are some important tools and insights that
will help us to transform our feelings of rage and hatred.
1) Mindfulness - Mindfulness is a method made popular by the
Vietnamese Zen Buddhist Master – Thich Nhat Hanh. We can use
this method you deal with our hatred as it arises.
The important part of this technique is that it neither
suppresses nor expresses our anger. Thich Nhat Hanh compares
the energy of anger with organic manure or compost. An organic
farmer uses manure to grow flowers or vegetables. Similarly we
can reclaim and use the energy of anger to benefit
ourselves.
The technique of mindfulness is simplicity itself. We use
the breath to anchor ourselves and simply become aware of or
witness or be mindful of our hatred. When you are angry do the
following:
a) Breathing in say to your self – I am breathing in and I
am angry.
b) Breathing Out – I am breathing out and I smile at my
anger.
It is not to be expected that simply doing this exercise
once will free us of our hatred. We need to drop everything
else and practice this exercise for as long as is necessary.
Thich Nhat Hanh compares this process to cooking vegetables or
potatoes. It takes time for potatoes to cook. We need to cook
them for 10 to 15 minutes maybe more. Similarly we need to
practice mindfulness for some period of time before we can be
free of anger.
Another way of dealing with our hatred is simply to observe
it without reacting. This is a technique is taught in Vipassana
meditation. Anchor yourself in the act of witnessing by paying
attention to your breath and observe your anger. Do not think
or react in any way. Simply observe.
If you react then observe the reaction with reacting.
Vipassana also teaches us to observe the sensations in the body
when you are angry or disturbed. When we are angry our
breathing changes, the metabolism of the body reacts. We may
feel our forehead becomes heated up. This technique however
required that you be a somewhat experienced Vipassana meditator
as it requires an awareness of the sensations in the body. For
beginners or non-meditators, Thich Nhat Hanh works best.
It is important to be one with the feeling using the breath
to anchor yourself. The angry feeling will pass in time. DO NOT
THINK OR ANALYSE IT IN ANY WAY. Simply be at one with your
anger. It is important that we not think while we are also
angry because the process of thinking will just feed our anger.
Just be at one with the angry feeling.
Also our thoughts and conclusions when we are feeling hurt
and angry are not likely to be completely balanced and
rational. If you do think when you are angry then do not trust
these thoughts and conclusions and do not act on them.
This concludes the section on mindfulness. Practice being
mindful so that it becomes a habit. It will then be easy for
you to fall back on it when you are angry and disturbed. This
technique of mindfulness or witnessing is the basis of all the
practice and concepts explained further. I cannot over
emphasize its importance and the difference it will make in
your life. Please go to the next page for further methods to
constructively deal with anger.
On to the next chapter on Anger -
three ways it manifests itself and how we can deal with
it:
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